Johnny Candon, all round entertainer and comedian, took the Edinburgh Festival by storm with his appearances in The Big Value Comedy Club. Taking time out from his hectic schedule, he was kind enough to perform a quick Q&A with Comedy Lounge and we nicked it and put it here. (Thanks, Comedy Lounge)
Do you ever regret going into comedy?
Nah, it's lovely. Comedians are generally nice, friendly people who tend to support each other. You make people laugh, have a few drinks with the other acts. Get up at two in the afternoon the next day, watch "Quincy" and do it all again. It's good to know Jack Klugman is there to mop up the crimes the police can't handle.
What makes you want to make people laugh?
Being paid for showing off and generally "acting the goat".
So were you the class clown in school?
Not really... My friend Tom is MUCH funnier than most of the comics I know and he works for Dublin council.
Is there a routine by anyone else that you wish you'd written?
Oh LOADS!!! Eddie Izzards "Inventing the Heimlich manoeuvre", Bill Hicks "Mother being proud of his cock jokes", Bill Bailey doing the "Belgian Jazz version of the Doctor Who theme" couldn't have done that though anyway as I can't play any instruments and my French is SHIT.
Have you ever nicked anyone else's material?
Nope. Material nickers are bags of sun-dried shit who should be flayed with sharpened spoons and then boiled slowly. It's always a sad thing to see really. If you nick material, apart from fooling yourself that you are in any way funny or talented, you are extremely liable to have the living fuck kicked out of you by the comic you've nicked it from or one of their outraged mates.
Who makes you laugh and who are your heroes?
People like Dan Antopolski, Simon Evans, Ricky Gervais and Daniel Kitson can reduce me to tears through fantastic comedy and relentless bullying. Antopolski gives a Chinese Burn you can never fully recover from. If there was Dan Antopolski in a room full of Ninjas, Dan would end up with all their money for sweets and lots of sore-armed shadow warriors would be running to their Mums squealing like bitches. One of the first things you learn when you start in comedy is that ALL Ninjas are pussies. Do you hear me Ninjas? You're NOTHING!!! Antopolski taught me that. In no particular order I also sit outside the houses of: Karen Taylor, Rich Hall, Greg Burns, Logan Murray, Steve Merchant, Danny Bhoy, Tom Rhodes, Andy Zaltzman, Dylan Moran, Alun Cochrane and The Boosh. My heroes are: Doctor Who and Batman (Catch them in Edinburgh before they're on telly) and Quincy.
Have you ever said or done anything on stage that you really regretted?
Not really. I'm fairly friendly really. I called a woman in Chester a whore but in an affectionate way. She laughed but the rest of the audience went nuts. I don't know if they were offended or just aroused by being so near a real live hooker. She wasn't a prostitute really but with those looks she could have been.
What is your favourite routine / joke that you do?
It changes all the time. I suppose at the moment it's about how to get mice out without hurting them. There's nothing that's really my favourite bit. It's all shit.
Is there anything that you've done that you thought was really funny but no-one laughed?
Yeah, took a busload of pensioners hostage and went on the run for a week. I was giggling like a crack-monkey the whole time but they all just sat there stony-faced and praying. I got nothing from them.
Is there anything that you wouldn't joke about?
Yeah. Kidnapping pensioners. I think it's inherently wrong.
Are you happy with the way your career is heading and where would you like it to go?
Yeah, It's grand.
Yes, but where would you like it to go?! Children's programme presenting? Top of the Pops? Are you looking to be Chris Addison, or Alan Davies?
Just looking to be me really (HA! I'm a WANKER!) I think all of the above are very excellent and I've done network gigs with Chris but I couldn't BE like him. I want to be exterminated saving Doctor Who on the telly. That'd be nice.
Any big ambitions for the future?
What is the drunkest you've ever been?
Went out drinking in Dublin the day before I was due to move to London, passed out and came round the next afternoon. In London.
Have you ever loved somebody so much it made you cry?
A girl made of Onion.
Blanket or Stuffed Animal?
Dumper or Dumpee?
DEFINITELY Dumper!!! There's NOTHING like a nice big shit.
Favourite Quote(s) from a movie?
"Yeah" - Michael Corleone, The Godfather (Or was it Godfather 2?)
Favourite Sesame Street Character?
Ernie. He bad.
What do you do most often when you are bored?
Stop talking to O'Mahony and find someone else.
What words or phrases do you overuse?
What is your most philosophical thought?
If you want to know me, walk a mile in my shoes. Cos when I catch you I'm going to give you my life story as I smash your face in you shoe stealing bastard piece of shit. I live my life by that and so should you.
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